Impossible
by Layana Danare
Summary: OneShot songfic. Winter Starl tries to come to terms with her feelings for Canderous, knowing that it is impossible to carry their relationship further. Song: How Can I Not Love You? by Joy Enriquez. RevanCanderous


Hey, it's my first songfic! Love this song sooo much. Next songfic will be It Is You (I Have Loved) by Diana Glover, probably.

Song: How Can I Not Love You?

Artist: Joy Enriquez

Disclaimer: As much as I wish I could claim I wrote/sang this song, I didn't.

This time, Revan is a woman named Winter Starl, trying to come to terms with her feelings for Canderous. She knows how strange it would be for her and a man like Canderous Ordo to be more than friends, but still...

* * *

Impossible

-

_Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together  
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot love each other  
Must be strong and we must let go  
Cannot say what our hearts must know_

Again I find myself standing just outside the Ebon Hawk's garage. I shouldn't be here, it's long past midnight, and I'm exhausted. A cold draft pushes my soft cotton gown against my legs as I stare down the corridor.

In my mind, I can see where everything is inside. The swoop bike parked neatly beside the wall, the workbench ready and waiting beside the exit, HK-47 with his cryptic red eyes, and Canderous...

Canderous Ordo.

That's what I should call him. His full name. I shouldn't get so comfortable around him. It's not professional, and that's all our relationship is. Professional. It could never be anything more. He doesn't feel the same way I do. How could he? All we ever talk about is battles. Fighting.

Death.

He knows what it means to feel the thrill of battle. He knows how it feels to be circling millions of miles above a world, knowing that they are defenseless before you. That's something Carth doesn't know.

_  
How can I not love you  
What do I tell my heart  
When do I not want you here in my arms  
How does one walk away  
From all of the memories  
How do I not miss you when you are gone_

Carth told me he loved me, and he does. I can feel it when I'm in the same room as he is. I can see it radiating from his brown eyes. I can hear it in every word of advice he whispers in my ear. So why can't I be satisfied? Why is it that every time I lay my head on Carth's chest, I find myself wishing it was Canderous' heart I hear beating? Why is it that I almost always include Canderous in the party when visiting a planet while I insist that Carth stay aboard to "keep him safe"? Why is it that during every spare minute I feel drawn to the garage?

_Cannot dream, cannot share sweet and tender moments  
Cannot feel how we feel, must pretend its over  
Must be brave and we must go on, must not say  
What we've known all along_

I remember the first moment I saw Canderous. He was working for the crime lord Davik, making sure the Vulkar punks paid up on their debts. Carth stepped in front of me protectively, but my eyes lingered on the man's graying hair, his chocolate eyes, and his gravelly voice was locked into my memory forever.

I can sit in the garage and listen to his war stories for hours, if he'll tell them too me. I just want to hear his voice rumble, and tweak it a little with the force, making it sound like he's right by my side, his head close to mine...

_  
How can I not love you  
What do I tell my heart  
When do I not want you here in my arms  
How does one walk away  
From all of the memories  
How do I not miss you when you are gone_

I can't help but love him, but how can I tell him that I love him? How can I tell him that it is he that I've cried for in the darkest hours of the night? How do I tell him that I want to take him into my arms and hold him so close..._  
_

_How can I not love you_

I love the way he says my name. His voice gets low and almost soft, as if he's making an effort _not_ to sound like a big Mandalorian for once"Winter, did I ever tell you about the time..."

_  
Must be brave and we must be strong  
Cannot say what we've known all along_

What would Carth say if he knew that it is not really him that I love? Would he hate me? Would Canderous respect me if he knew that though I've told Carth I love him, I do not. Would he still accept me, or would he quote honor codes to me?

_  
How can I not love you  
What do I tell my heart  
When do I not want you here in my arms  
How does one walk away  
From all of the memories  
How do I not miss you when you are gone_

I want to rush into the garage right now and shout out for the world to hear, "How can I not love you?" I want him to reach out and hold me, protecting me from all evil. I want him to bend down... and touch his scarred lips to mine. I want his heart to beat to the same tune as mine.

I _need _ his love.

_How can I not love you  
When you are gone_

I know I can't go in. He can never know how much I love him.

Never.


End file.
